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The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is now.

A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of. - T. H. Everett

What gets bigger the more you take away?   Ans:  A hole

My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign.  Together we make mud.  - Rodney Dangerfield

Global Worming - when worms take over the world.

Grow your own dope.  Plant a man.

I am a terrible gardener.  Why, even in my rock garden I had three of my rocks die last week.

Do vegetables ever go out for a drink?  Ans:  Sure - at a salad bar.

What do the letter "A" and flowers have in common.  Ans:  They both have bees coming after them. - Kim Roblin

Hard work won't kill you.  But why take the chance?

What kind of socks do gardeners wear?  Ans:  Garden hose of course.

What do you call a country where everyone drives a pink car?  Ans:  A pink carnation.

I once read about the dangers of gardening, so I quit reading for two weeks. - Mike Garofalo

What vegetable do you often need a plumber for?  Ans:  A leek.

I thought a yard was 3 feet until I starting mowing the lawn.

Why did the tomato turn red?  Ans:  Because he saw the salad dressing.

What is small, red and has to whisper?  Ans:  A hoarse raddish.

If you need five tools to solve a problem in the garden,
four of them will be easy to find. - Mike Garofalo

Gloria:  Do carrot all for me?  Why don't you get a job working for a celery.  Henry:  Don't worry, Gloria, something will turnip.

Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration. - Lou Erickson

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Ans:  Pilgrims.

If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If corn oil comes from corn, what does baby oil come from?

There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's. - Clyde Moore

You Might be a Redneck Gardener If:
You mow your lawn and find a wheelbarrow.
A half moon reminds you of your fat husband pulling weeds.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it is yellow.
You don't water your front yard rather than mow it.
You know how many bags of fertilizer your car can hold.
You've ever cleaned your house with a leaf blower.
You empty the trash when you have enough to fill up the pickup.
You can amuse yourself for more that an hour with a hose.
You've been cited for reckless driving on a riding lawn mower.
You move your weed-eater to take a bath. 
- Culled and Revised by Mike Garofalo

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight.
- Rita Rudner

Clear indications that you have too much Zucchini:
Your neighbor finds them every morning in his mailbox.
You are eating it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, snacks too.
You have a flute made out of a Zucchini.
The stores pay you to take some off their shelves.
Even the field mice stop eating it.
You till under the Zucchini plants, but still have more today than you had yesterday.
Nightmares about a giant Zucchini wakes you in the night.
Your kids are using it for building blocks.
You spray your zucchini plants with sugar water to attract insects. But, they won't bite.

Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.

What is the difference between boogers and spinach?  Ans: You can't get your kids to eat spinach.

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. The flowers arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card: "Rest in Peace."
The owner was annoyed, and called to complain. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, and sorry you were offended," said the florist. "But even worse, somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."

Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one.  - Dave Barry

I'd rather have roses on my table than diamonds on my neck.
- Emma Goldman

Tree climbers get into more crotches than anyone.

What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet. - Shakespeare 

Nurseryman: “In this job we need someone who is responsible.”
Applicant: “I’m the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.  If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help.  What exactly have you done?"

Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup.  After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth.  He called the waitress over and said, "It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked."  The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, maybe it has a leek in it."

It has been so dry this week,
the trees are whistling for the dogs.

Newspaper headline: Dog attacks topiary cat.

What is the difference between boogers and spinach?
You can't get your kids to eat spinach.

Two older ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.  One leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off right now and streak through that stupid flower show!"   "You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.  As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.  Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "What happened?"  asked her waiting friend. "Why, I won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement."

Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.

"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
-  Ray D. Everson

Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'  Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. 
    When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.  They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.  Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.  She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
    When she went off to Europe, Mr and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland, and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.  Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.' 
    Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.  Yet, in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.  Tom Brokaw!  Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.  They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just a commentator

The elementary school cook prided herself on the healthy meals she provided with lots of vegetables and fruits. When the power failed one day, the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches. As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last, a home-cooked meal!"

Two friars are having trouble paying off the belfry, so they open a florist shop.
Everyone wants to buy flowers from the men of God so business is quickly booming.
The florist across town sees a huge drop in sales and asks the two friars to close their shop, but they refuse.
A month later the florist begs the friars to close because he’s having trouble feeding his family.  Again, they refuse, so the florist hires Hugh McTaggert.
Hugh is the roughest, toughest thug in town and is hired to “persuade” the friars to close.
Hugh asks the friars to close their florist shop.  When they refuse, he threatens to beat the crap out of them and wreck their shop every day they remain open, so they close.
This proves once again that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars. ~ Paul

 

 

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