What gets bigger the more you take away?   Ans:  A hole

My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign.  Together we make mud.  - Rodney Dangerfield

Global Worming - when worms take over the world.

Grow your own dope.  Plant a man.

I am a terrible gardener.  Why, even in my rock garden I had three of my rocks die last week.

Do vegetables ever go out for a drink?  Ans:  Sure - at a salad bar.

What do the letter "A" and flowers have in common.  Ans:  They both have bees coming after them. - Kim Roblin

Hard work won't kill you.  But why take the chance?

What kind of socks do gardeners wear?  Ans:  Garden hose of course.

What do you call a country where everyone drives a pink car?  Ans:  A pink carnation.

I once read about the dangers of gardening, so I quit reading for two weeks. - Mike Garofalo

What vegetable do you often need a plumber for?  Ans:  A leek.

I thought a yard was 3 feet until I starting mowing the lawn.

Why did the tomato turn red?  Ans:  Because he saw the salad dressing.

What is small, red and has to whisper?  Ans:  A hoarse raddish.

If you need five tools to solve a problem in the garden,
four of them will be easy to find. - Mike Garofalo

Gloria:  Do carrot all for me?  Why don't you get a job working for a celery.  Henry:  Don't worry, Gloria, something will turnip.

Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration. - Lou Erickson

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Ans:  Pilgrims.

If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If corn oil comes from corn, what does baby oil come from?

There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's. - Clyde Moore

You Might be a Redneck Gardener If:
You mow your lawn and find a wheelbarrow.
A half moon reminds you of your fat husband pulling weeds.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it is yellow.
You don't water your front yard rather than mow it.
You know how many bags of fertilizer your car can hold.
You've ever cleaned your house with a leaf blower.
You empty the trash when you have enough to fill up the pickup.
You can amuse yourself for more that an hour with a hose.
You've been cited for reckless driving on a riding lawn mower.
You move your weed-eater to take a bath. 
- Culled and Revised by Mike Garofalo

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight.
- Rita Rudner

Clear indications that you have too much Zucchini:
Your neighbor finds them every morning in his mailbox.
You are eating it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, snacks too.
You have a flute made out of a Zucchini.
The stores pay you to take some off their shelves.
Even the field mice stop eating it.
You till under the Zucchini plants, but still have more today than you had yesterday.
Nightmares about a giant Zucchini wakes you in the night.
Your kids are using it for building blocks.
You spray your zucchini plants with sugar water to attract insects. But, they won't bite.

Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.

What is the difference between boogers and spinach?  Ans: You can't get your kids to eat spinach.

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. The flowers arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card: "Rest in Peace."
The owner was annoyed, and called to complain. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, and sorry you were offended," said the florist. "But even worse, somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."

Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one.  - Dave Barry

I'd rather have roses on my table than diamonds on my neck.
- Emma Goldman

Tree climbers get into more crotches than anyone.

What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet. - Shakespeare 

Nurseryman: “In this job we need someone who is responsible.”
Applicant: “I’m the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”